Me

When I first contemplated home educating the boy, my first fear was that I would be with him all day everyday without a break. I had enjoyed those beautiful moments when the front door slams and there is nobody else in  the house and time was available to be spent as I wished. Such bliss. Then I felt guilty for feeling this way.

 

I had researched home education and to me it seemed that the parents I had read about could cope with the every day noise, demands and chaos that children bring all day every day. I, on the other hand had insisted on just an hour or two every day where I could have a bit of time to myself just to think. This was easily achieved when they napped or went on to school and I had my days off from work. The new scenario I was considering was going to be hugely different. Even my friends told me that there was no way they would home educate their kids as they would end up going mad.

 

Step in Ross Moutney, https://rossmountney.wordpress.com/ whose book "A different kind of education" described how some days she too was just too overwhelmed and needed a break, it was OK to feel this way and perfectly normal too.

 

The beauty of home education meant that the school day is much shorter, thus I could incorporate that much needed time to exercise or sew without the worry that I SHOULD be schooling the boy.

 

The home education journey taught me a number of valuable lessons and we aren't just talking about the metal reactivity series here either.Ever since I had children I have battled long and hard with my inner sloth about HAVING TIME FOR ME. I would feel guilty for having it and grumpy if I didn't. Relatives and friends would all tell me that I needed to relax and have time for myself yet I did not know how to spend this time efficiently to help me feel relaxed. I was easily distracted by a dirty kitchen floor, pile of ironing or I would just pass out on the sofa and snooze due to shear exhaustion. Dr Laura Markham also describes this as the  Sacrificing yourself on the Alter of Parenthood disorder, where parents forget to give themselves the attention they need and so find themselves impatient and negative towards their children. I had this in an epidemic proportion and yes I did have a bit of a reputation as a shouter. It made me wonder whether the boy would want to spend all of his time with me too.

 

I tried numerous techniques to try and RELAX, something else that I was determined to become good at in my never ending quest to be the perfect mother. Meditating was one particular activity that would just drive me nuts because I would either fall asleep or if I tried to imagine being in a lovely place, I would then wonder what the weather was doing, where the children were and feel guilty that they were not in this lovely place with me!

 

There is a fantastic lady, Rosey#PNDandMe who recently held an hours session on Twitter looking at depression and self care and how vital it is that as parents we take the time to do activities that make us happy. We have to keep our petrol tanks full so to speak so that we have the energy to look after our children. This has made a lot of sense and it is widely recommended in all parenting courses and websites that for our children's wellbeing, ours matters too. I imagined my daughter as a mother, I would hate for her to shout at my future grandchildren so if I role modelled to her that I looked after myself then that would guide her as she grew up too. I also read somewhere that, rather than relying on technology, alcohol and TV, we have to go back to our childhoods and think about the activities that we liked to do as these are the ones that can give our minds the most fulfilment.

 

You may have already guessed, that as a child I was a bit of a bookworm, but I also liked to sew too. Counted cross stitch was a particularly soothing activity because I had to concentrate, thus my chattering monkey mind was kept quiet and my "petrol tank refuelled." Books have  also become very welcome friends again and it is a bit of a strap line in this house that "I will just finish this chapter" to avoid doing chores.

 

I have finally learnt to be kinder and more compassionate to myself, there are no more quests to be perfect, good enough is well good enough. The house may be dustier, dinners may be simpler, but the time I have found for me, has strangely increased my time to enjoy with the children and cuddle up with them as well as finding time to go to the gym regularly and voluntary work. The children have also welcomed time for them to do what they want without the structure and routines imposed on them. The girl is learning how to bake and the boy, well he is still attached to his computer but is doing very well in meeting his attendance at his school. Compassion is also about praising yourself when there is no time and you have a million other things to do. I will now often congratulate myself on a job well done, acknowledge to myself that some days are harder or  tell myself that I will be able to make it to the armchair soon for that much needed chapter. It is like being your very own best friend that encourages you along.

 

 A year after educating the boy, I was talking about the success of it all with a friend and she congratulated me but then commented on the strain that I must be under because I never had time for myself. I remembering looking at her strangely, much like the established home educating mothers looked at me when I first started. Maybe I should tell her that she needs to relax...............

 

Clairexxxxx

A Brief Guide to Parenting a Child with Dyspraxia

As a local co ordinator for the Dyspraxia Foundation, I have recently had a few enquiries from parents whose children have been diagnosed with Dyspraxia who wish to know what to do next.

This has had me stumped for a few minutes as I rack my brains trying to remember what I did when the boy was diagnosed and I am sure that every child and family's situation is different so what I did may not hold much significance for the parent I am listening to. Our journey to diagnosis had been filled with a lot of personal  anxiety that somehow our parenting was to blame as the struggles to manage the boys meltdowns brought us to the doctor's door. Others arrive via school  due to co ordination difficulties. Occupational therapy or speech therapy as a result of the diagnosis may have been offered so there are opportunities to discuss the diagnosis and plan with health care practitioners a way forward. Yet the hows and whats about living with dyspraxia probably won't be discussed in appointments so what  then? 

 

Here are some ideas to get you started. Remember that initially you may need time to adjust and process what Dyspraxia will mean to you and your family. I remember feeling shell shocked when the boy was diagnosed with Aspergers, even though I suspected that he was on the spectrum, to have it actually confirmed was still a shock. The Dyspraxia diagnosis came as more of a relief that I was not going mad.

 

1. Read, read and read: as you know I always read around the subject and I do remember taking a pile of books out of the local library. Authors such as Amanda Kirby, Mary Colley are well renowned experts, Victoria Biggs is also a good read because she delivers a personal account of living with Dyspraxia, my husband who tends to leave the reading to me, found her book very helpful. I found the books particularly beneficial because after a few years of worrying that I was being paranoid and that my experiences were individual to me only, it was a huge comfort to find these described in the pages I was reading.

 

2. Build your circle of support; Hooray, we have a group in Hampshire now and our first meeting gave much neeeded opportunity to share experiences and relief that we are not as isolated as we thought. I have certainly felt alone at times, just longing for an understanding ear thats linked to an empathetic mouth rather than the usual "he'll grow out of it, you need to make him join a club, or play sport" reaction that I sometimes get. Find your local support group by contacting the Dyspraxia Foundation. That feeling of being believed, supported and never judged is indescribable.

 

Family and friends are invaluable too. However I have found that whilst I want to read and expand my knowledge about Dyspraxia,  my husband prefers to hear about it via seminars, articles on the radio and easier books. Other relatives, although they know that the boy is dyspraxic, prefer to treat him as they always have done and are just very understanding if he does not want to join in an activity. They feel that they do not need any further information.

 

Those that are not interested, sympathetic or do not believe that Dyspraxia exists, well refer to the above circle of support,  they are your allies.  Remember that Dyspraxia is not as well understood as other conditions and if there is little opportunity to inform, spare your precious energy. Sadly for some people, helping children in need basically relates to baking a few cupcakes and seling them once a year for the BBC organised event. My boy in particular challenges beliefs about school attendance whilst his obsession with  computer gaming is portrayed negatively by some of the tabloids thus we have been targets for supposed well meaning judgemental comments and we have had arguments with other people too. We are very selective about who is in our circle.

 

 

3. Identity the key areas where your child struggles and use resources from the Dyspraxia Foundation to help you and your child manage. Time and time again I have looked up how to help the boy when he reaches developmental milestones from riding a bike to starting secondary school. There is information for teachers too and you may find that you are teaching them (the teachers) to begin with if they have not had previous experience. This does feel very disheartening and worrying but communication about your child is paramount and will certainly help you feel more in control so that unnecessary incidents are avoided. If you are home educating, you are in the fortunate position to be able to totally adapt your child's education to support his needs. There are also some amazing sites that can support with this. The link below is for a facebook group that I relied upon a lot during our home education days. Don't forget that you could also apply for the EHC plan if you are home educating too so that you can receive support from the local authority. The group also is a good place to find out more about this

 

https://www.facebook.com/groups/332898013464344/?fref=ts

 

4. Look after yourself.  I can not say this enough. We have all heard that on a plane, parents need the oxygen masks on first before the child and I think this analogy is so relevant to staying strong and coping with a child that has dyspraxia. Again it all depends on the individual experience, but I have had great days and there are times when the boy has been so anxious it has taken all of my emotional energy to move him into doing something that I am left too frazzled to take part in the experience with him or continue with my day.  We went away recently and he was fretting because there would be no  internet. He had tummy upsets, he wanted to know exactly what was going to happen whilst we were away and even told me that he didn't want me sitting around reading my book because I could do that at home. He struggled with the concept that it was also a little holiday for me and I wanted to relax a bit. When we went for a walk, initially he didn't want to walk alongside his father and sister, he just wanted me, all of my attention was taken up listening to him chatting away. A day or so later and he had relaxed enough to be more independent and not so needy. We met up with relatives and they were so impressed with how well he was doing, which was great but inside I was absolutely exhausted and needed another holiday! The family dynamics and the emotional effort of parents is eloquently described by Gill Dixon in her book, Dyspraxia the Foundations. Again it is reassuring to know that I am not alone in how I feel. The boy is particularly sensitive to my moods so it is doubly  important that time is taken to indulge in exercise or my favourite hobbies so that I feel emotionally well equipped to care for him and his sister.

 

I hope that this has been helpful. There is a good supportive community out there and for those who are not affected by Dyspraxia a smile, nod and a hug works wonders if you meet anyone who is.

 

Clairexxxxx