Even the Health Visitor has Parenting Problems

So to carry on from my last post, the boy went into school. For two mornings. This morning I rocked on up to his room and he told me that he wasn't going in.

 

Despite having a good day yesterday and telling me that he liked the unit because he could get his work done, this morning he wanted to return to home school.

 

Except there is no return to home school. I have given away the books, signed him off his courses and all my hopes are pinned on this unit. I want it to work so very desperately. For those two mornings, I relished the school run and seeing other teenagers in their uniforms,  knowing that  I had one too.

 

 I responded by not shouting at him like I used to, but I took away his computer, ranting about how disappointed I was and it was only 3 hours. As I tended to my chickens I moaned to them, why me? How the heck can I inform new parents about bringing up their kids when my boy won't go to school? Some role model I am!

 

Plus , I had just given a whole 15 months to resurrecting him from the depths of his darkest despair to have it all wiped away within two days. My boy felt valued by his family,  he felt loved and listened to, he was starting to enjoy life again, how could we go back to the tantrums, the shouting and my resentment that I had to devote so much energy to him and leave nothing for my girl. It just wasn't fair. But he is my boy at the end of the day, I have to look after him, I am his mother and I have to do what is right by him, me and my family. The whole point of returning to school was so I could have help in educating him with the specialist support from the unit. So I phoned up the unit and told them.

 

Oh my word, I have now come to think of the unit as an oasis in a desert. Tired, battle worn parents arrive at this place to be gently lifted and soothed as they are reassured that they will be listened to.  I am now going to refer to the boys teaching assistant as The Saint, because this lady knows her stuff and she is just so KIND! She half expected the boy to have a wobbly day, he was working so hard emotionally and physically by attending, no wonder he was tired. She wanted him to have a day of rest today and to try again tomorrow. He could have his computer,  we weren't to expect too much from him and due to the fact that he was no longer by my side in the unit, she said she recognised that  they had taken his security blanket away. The Saint totally gets the boy.  According to her, these children have had a long time of not being listened to. I guess with a late diagnosis of Aspergers that the boy had aged 12, it is a long time.  I certainly felt like I was reading the wrong parenting manual where he was concerned.  No wonder the Super Nanny tactics never worked!

 

But even with all of this support and diagnoses, why do I feel as if I am a bad parent if he does not attend school? It's totally crazy. When I home educated I had none of these insecurities except that I was not working so didn't meet society's expectations of me there. Now I am not meeting the education authorities expectations. I guess its a case of the fact that by recognising that I am a bit of a people pleaser and the ensuing anxiety that develops if I am not performing as I should be is going to  be my biggest demon to beat in all of this. I have not slept all week. Every morning I feel sick with nerves until he is in that school. This is the first week, goodness only knows how long it will be before he settles in.

 

 I am forever telling my families to be kind to themselves during troublesome times, to be empathetic towards the child, try and see it from their point of view. I have had a psychiatrist and the head of special needs telling me that the boy was very unwell yet I admit that sometimes I find it difficult to cope when he refuses to do what is asked of him.

 

 The Saint  practises her approach with kindness and compassion. She recognises that the boy and myself are going through an incredibly intense time as we embark on this change. The boy clearly demonstrates that this works best for him. So I need to take a very blinkered approach to life at the moment and accept that being a "good parent" is not about my child's school attendance. It is about listening and responding to his needs so that he will feel more confident in the future. I also need to listen to myself and pile on the loving kindness so that I have the energy to keep being strong for him. I think we have a rocky road ahead of us, but if I start taking the advice that I so eagerly give to my families maybe our path will be a lot smoother.

 

xxxxxx

New direction

Tonight I write wondering how life will be from tomorrow.  Its a big day in the Quirky house as we leave the safe, comfortable routines of home educating and venture back into a school classroom.

Not just any old classroom mind you, it is a specialist provision for autistic children within a secondary school. The boy is the 9th pupil there, the rest are also boys ranging from years 7-10. The ethos is that they access some lessons with their other school peers whilst being supported by specialist teaching staff and having time also to focus on social and interaction skills. The unit is fairly new, they have thought about the challenges that these children face and ways of overcoming them. For example the pupils arrive later and leave earlier to miss the crowds, the homework is completed within the school day in the unit so that their time at home remains interruption free. Even the colour scheme is muted and there is a sensory room for the pupils to use to de sensitise or just have their lunch in.

When we visited a few days ago, we felt that this had been built with the boy in mind. We were already relieved because he had come with us to see it and proceeded to talk to the head and assistant that showed us the unit. He relaxed and commented on how lovely it was. The specialist assistant was just fabulous with him, she didn't patronise him and gained his trust immediately.

The head then asked if the boy could start full time this week. We had been led to believe that there was meant to be a meeting about integrating him very gradually and I queried this too. We also felt that putting the inevitable off wasn't going to gain us anything and that this time round, it could only work in our favour. The boy balked at this however, to the surprise of the teachers,

And there it is, the age old issue of control rearing its unwanted head yet again. The head asked why the boy felt he couldn't start full time and so I for the first time ever stated that there was a control over his time anxiety that stopped a lot of plans from going ahead. The boy agreed with what I said and the specialist assistant totally agreed that this is normal for autism. So we settled on 3 hours a day and building up from there.

All weekend we have watched the boy for any signs that tomorrow s first session will happen or not. I doubt I will sleep tonight. I have already been accused of nagging him as I sang the sun will come out tomorrow from Annie, innocently after hearing it on the girl's ipod. That was a bit of a bad choice I admit!

We have been down this path so many times before, all hopes raised to have him slamming on the brakes that very moment we reach the party, get to the school gate or wake him up on that fateful day. I  have been very conscientious, ensuring that forms and his bag are packed quietly(previous experience of involving him was not pleasent). I told him casually at lunch time what time we would be leaving and reminded him that he will earn a bit extra pocket money this week as a reward. I have thought back to all of the previous advice I have been given, trying to remain nonchalant but inside just feeling obsessed with worry.

If he makes it, well dreams of returning to being a mother whose child attends school and who can therefore work will be achieved. I will be back in Italy so to speak.

If not, well disappointment and fear of what happens next will just raise up and maintain their usual position in my life. The specialist assistant did say as we left that he could leave earlier if he needed to so I can offer him that life line if I am facing refusal tomorrow. I guess I will have to take what he gives and work from there, plus this time round we have help from professionals so hopefully my Italian dream will be achieved in the distant future.

It is so hard not being in control of my life. I always worry about being judged that I can't get him to do the simple act of going to school. Home education has been great, but I am not that way inclined and I need to know that he can separate from me to build his own life. Oh if I could only gaze into 24 hours from now and see the other side!

I will keep you posted. Xxxx

Coping with Loss

Hello everybody and welcome to 2015!

 

Bit of a sad post today, unfortunately events such as the death of a loved one never happen at an appropriate time and we at the quirky house suffered two significant losses over the festive period. I am aware that I have not written a post for quite some time and to be honest as a result of the sad events, I do feel a little less motivated. At this time of year, quite naturally, there are several sites discussing new years resolutions and looking forward, so for those whose Christmas did not bring the joy that is expected, I embrace you and invite you to sit with me awhile.  Thus because this is also a parenting blog, I thought I would concentrate today on helping children cope with the death of a loved one, as until recently, I had no idea as to what to do until the time arrived.

 

So, just before Christmas, my grandfather passed away. It was the same day to a year that his wife, my darling grandmother also died so we found ourselves in similar circumstances for a second Christmas running. Both children were very close to my grandparents. They had spent many a happy time visiting the flat in which they lived. The girl and my grandfather would be in hysterics as they both could not hear very well and would just spend the time shouting "What?" at each other. The boy worshipped him  as a celebrated Naval hero and had planned to take him to the submarine museum in the hope of my Grandfather sharing some exciting stories with him.

 

When the news came that my Grandfather had passed away, I initially had my own feelings of shock and sadness well up before I could even begin to communicate it to anyone else. My children are very perceptive of my moods, so I knew that it would not be long until they would sense that all was not right with the world. I decided to tell each child individually because I knew that the response would be different and I wanted to ensure that I was there for them.

 

Death is not something that is ordinarily discussed in day to day life especially with children as we want to protect them from sadness and fear of our own mortality. The girl has found this particularly hard as she has seen her rabbit die and learnt that this eventually happens to us all. We have always been honest about it with them, using terms such as they stopped breathing, the body doesn't work anymore rather than they fell asleep. The parenting website Netmums has some excellent resources about helping children cope and they suggest that by observing that  flowers wilting and dying in a vase, a young child can begin to understand the cycle of life. The National Autistic Society also advocates this for children with Autism http://www.autism.org.uk/living-with-autism/at-home/death-bereavement-and-autism-spectrum-disorders.aspx. The boy especially preferred the natural science behind death in that the body stops working whilst the girl is more visual and understands it if she sees a dead flower or pet.

 

The circumstances that surround the loved one passing away can affect the grieving process. If they have a terminal illness, the child can be perhaps be prepared, again by letting them ask the questions that they feel are most important and answering them honestly. It is also Ok to cry in front of them, you too are sad and explaining why you are sad will ensure that they do not feel that they are to blame.

 

As expected, both children reacted very differently. The boy was very calm which I had anticipated because his emotions always manifest in his behaviour later. This is common in children who are on the autistic spectrum. I kept to his routines and informed him of what would be happening so that he knew what to expect. This is especially important because we are a very expressive household and I didn't want him surprised by mentions of funerals, other people's grief, or me bursting into tears. There is also the change in routine as you support other members of the family to consider. When my grandmother passed away a year ago, my grandfather required a lot of help, so supporting him and my father shifted our familial patterns for a few months afterwards. When my other grandmother died 10 years ago, I was not aware of the boy's difficulties, so threw myself into helping my mother. My friend who looked after him whilst we attended the funeral said that she had never seen him so unsettled. Again it is extremely difficult when you just want to curl up and cry to expend more energy on caring for a child. I guess the strength to go on comes from somewhere, it is never easy. I wholeheartedly recommend that more compassion towards oneself and having that curl up time is absolutely necessary during times like these. He did not want to attend the funeral because he said he wanted to remember Grandpa sitting in his chair asleep with his headphones on rather than seeing a coffin. Bearing in mind that I have a large family and it would mean seeing other people, which he finds difficult at the best of times, I didn't push this.

 

The girl sobbed her little heart out. We lay on my bed and I held her as she cried. She went into school the following day, I thought that she was alright so didn't pre warn the teacher, but she started to sob again and was given time with the emotional support assistants that they have there. We aren't a religious household but the girl has found that it has helped her to think that Grandpa is looking down on us and when she went to a Christmas service with her school, she said a quick hello whilst waiting in the church.

 

I felt that the girl was old enough to attend the funeral with us. She was initially reluctant due to her worries about seeing people crying and the ghoulish scenarios surrounding death that children like to talk about. I told her everything that would happen, the procession into the church, where she would sit, what would be said and how we would leave the coffin there. I dispelled her myths about coffins and reassured her that she would be surrounded by people that love her and would comfort her and that it was Ok to cry. She had a lot of questions about the crematorium which is a difficult concept to explain especially when you are grieving, but my husband was calm and honest with her and she was fine. It helped enormously that another similar age cousin was there as well, so they sat with each other and gave each other support.

 

Then the cat died.

 

He was run over by a car. Thankfully a kind lady took him to the emergency vet and because he was micro chipped we were informed about what had happened to him. So again, we told the children individually what had happened. He was a much loved pet, especially by my son, and even though he was a cat, it  was a significant loss to the family. Thus we are talking a lot about what we are feeling at the moment. My son missed him today sitting on his school work and we are finding it strange that we can leave food out on the work surfaces.

 

Again, Netmums has advice on how to help with the loss of a pet. Euthanasia is discussed too, and the opinion seems to be that it is best to leave the children out of the room until the pet has been put to sleep and then they can see it at peace. They also write that children react in different ways and it is best not to force the subject onto them if they are not ready. The girl prefers the dog, and she stated that she did not feel too sad.  She has been really mature towards me though and protects me from seeing cat food in the shops, which is sweet.

 

The boy is keen that we have a memorial for him, but like myself, he didn't want to bury his body or have his ashes brought home. He did not want that to be his last visual memory of him. Our memorial will be a large catmint bush in his favourite sunny spot with a little plaque. I expect that the girl will write a poem for him and we will say our goodbyes that way.

 

There is a wealth of resources out there to help through these very difficult times. Netmums is especially brilliant because it also discusses bereavements such as that of a parent or a sibling which are particularly difficult. There are also charities such as Winston's Wish which have a range of books that can be shared with the child and have trained counsellors to contact.

 

So it is a little subdued in our house at the moment. I am sure that as time passes, we will adjust to the new routines, but for the moment we are being extra kind to each other. Love as ever will get us through.

 

I hope that you all have a peaceful 2015.

 

Clairexx

 

 

Useful Links:

 

http://www.netmums.com/parenting-support/miscarriage-and-loss/loss-of-a-child/helping-children-cope-with-bereavement

 

http://www.winstonswish.org.uk

 

http://www.autism.org.uk/living-with-autism/at-home/death-bereavement-and-autism-spectrum-disorders.aspx

 

http://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief-loss/coping-with-pet-loss.htm