Tiny tiny seeds

“ When you plant lettuce, if it does not grow well, you don’t blame the lettuce. You look for reasons it is not doing well. It may need fertilizer, or more water, or less sun. You never blame the lettuce. Yet if we have problems with our friends or family, we blame the other person. But if we know how to take care of them, they will grow well, like the lettuce. Blaming has no positive effect at all, nor does trying to persuade using reason and argument. That is my experience. No blame, no reasoning, no argument, just understanding. If you understand, and you show that you understand, you can love, and the situation will change”—  Thích Nhat Hanh

 

So need to have this printed everywhere.

 

Last week, me and the boy had a bit of a spat, quite a major one really. He wanted a computer game and asked for more pocket money which I had not budgeted for so I refused. He then quite naturally as teenagers do, refused to do anything I asked him. I then lost my cool (as most mothers of teenagers do) and reminded him why I had to budget since giving up my job to home educate him. This did not go down well and to spare gory details, it left me thinking that he could be at home with us for many years to come and I will be at home looking after him. I also realised that the burden of being the reason as to why I gave up my job and cause the loss of earnings to the family was a horrid one to bear, certainly not one to boost his emotional wellbeing.  I can not force him to go back to school, we tried a few years ago and ended up in such a mess. No end of reasoning/arguing is going to encourage him either, we have to wait.

 

This time last year, the boy was very unwell. I left work to care for him and educate him at home and rebuild all of that lost confidence. He flourished and is in a much better place. My year off was also a very much needed break for me too. Caring for a child with special needs is a huge  challenge. The Aspergers part particularly so because you are always trying to anticipate triggers that will cause a meltdown, or stick to routines , it felt like trying to quickly patch up a leaking ship at times. No sooner had I sorted out one problem, another issue would appear. I was exhausted. Add to this another child, a job and then a degree in Public Health which enabled me to qualify as a Health Visitor, I felt very raw too. I remember when I was crying in the car about giving up work, my darling husband turned round and told me to treat this time as an adventure or a holiday. Home educating the boy and being at home was not to be regarded as a failure but as a new exciting time ahead. We were also very lucky that we could afford to do this.

 

So during the year, I exercised and changed my eating habits. This was because I had time to be mindful of what I was eating and not so tired that I needed to eat cakes and chocolate to reenergise me. The frugal side of our new lifestyle led me to Jack Monroe http://agirlcalledjack.com/  and her wonderful recipes that did not cost the earth. In order to get the boy out meeting people again, we volunteered with a charity that distributes unwanted books to avoid them going to landfill. We had a bookshelf in the local vegan shop which again led me to try new foods, reduce my meat intake and take more of an interest in a more environmentally friendly lifestyle. I also haven't bought a book since.

 

Its amazing what's out there in the community. As part of my degree, we had to learn about community capacity and services that are available. I can honestly say that I felt ashamed, because it is only after this year that I really do know about what is going on right under all the professional's noses. I sought the Autism network for their outreach library so that I could learn about Aspergers. The boy's psychiatrist wasn't even aware that this existed and I ended up giving him the references of the books that I read! There are social groups too. I applied to be the local  coordinator for the Dyspraxia foundation and it is my intention to let paediatricians know that I am there for parents.

 

I had time finally to fill out forms that professionals advised me to use and seek support too. It is so difficult when you are in the thick of it to find letters, sort out paperwork, make phone calls and arrange appointments. I know of several families that have this a lot harder than me and my respect for them to be able to keep going is extremely high. Just being able to have the mental space to generate clarity about who I was speaking to and why was a real luxury.

 

 Although the boy is better, there is still more work to do to enable him to engage in education, society and feel good about himself. I want the very best for him, and the girl too. We currently fund his distance learning courses and although I have been told that I can access funding from the Local Authority, that is not exactly forthcoming at the moment. Supposing I get to GCSEs next year and am still waiting? Could I return to work?

 

So I thought creatively about how I could manage this. I thought about how other colleagues in similar situations to myself manage and also the other working patterns that they do. I also thought about other home educators that work and also the whole concept of an educational day in itself in that he is participating in several lessons but our day is much shorter than a standard day. Less queuing up, no assemblies, tutor time etc.

 

I realised that I could do both. Its going to require some pretty hot organisation and time keeping skills but it can be done. I have help luckily from my Dad who teaches the boy maths and my husband is also going to work from home one day a week. With a little bit of bribery, the boy produces some amazing, quite often hilarious pieces of work of which I am immensely proud as this demonstrates that he can study independently too.

 

I have to make sure that I look after myself too and maintain all of the new habits that I inherited over the last year. More than anything I need to ensure that I can stay calm and continue to let the boy heal and grow so he too feels rested and sufficiently recovered to go back out into the big wide world again