The boy has been unwell over the weekend with a cold. He must be feeling it very badly as he even wanted me to cuddle him. Well, it wasn't really a cuddle, he puts his head on my shoulder and I pat him gently on the back.
I really enjoy the opportunity to "cuddle" him because he has never liked any source of physical affection from us. It was very difficult to see my friends babies enjoying a big hug, where they would burrow their faces into their mothers chests and put their arms around them too. When he was a baby, the boy would return from weekends away with the family and be so unsettled that he would need us to pop him into a quiet room to let him sleep it all off. He would find the attention so exhausting.
As he grew older, I would feel rather rejected that he didn't want to cuddle me and I would ask him how could I show him affection. He used to reply that food was a good way, so I have indulged him a lot over the years. He has a very sophisticated palate, good strong cheeses, gentlemen's relish and olives to name but a few tasty morsels.
As part of my job, I learnt how to teach parents to massage their babies. This also involved discussing the benefits of massage throughout life. The boy at the time was being assessed by an occupational therapist who diagnosed sensory processing disorder which had led to the development of the dyspraxia. She started to brush the boy's limbs with a lovely soft brush in order to start de-sensitising him to tactile sensations as he was extremely sensitive to this. We were advised to also do this at home and the boy really took well to it. I then considered using the massage techniques that I had been taught, so started to use firm strokes on his back which he really enjoyed. We made up stories behind the massage, for example Star Wars was a particular favourite whereby the space ship would land on his back and then my fingers would moon walk up and down his spine. Through this I was able to maintain some sense of connection with him that was special and individualised for him.
When he was ill, it was this touch that kept our bond strong. I remember him turning off his computer game without a murmur so that he could have a massage before bedtime. I used lavender oil which really helped him sleep too. It is said that with teenagers particularly, a back rub is a great way to show them that you are there for them during stressful times. Neither of you have to say anything, the massage does that for you. It releases lots of happy hormones in both of you which has a huge benefit on emotional wellbeing.
Since we started home educating, he is the most affectionate he has ever been in his life. He will reach out and stroke my back and give lots of smiley eye contact. He has also started to do this with other members of the family too. It is moments like these that I really cherish and make a note of to go in my happy memories because he is now starting to feed back his feelings towards us. Don't get me wrong, the boy has not been a grumpy tyrant all this time. I have so many photos of a smiling boy, clearly we have been doing something right for him It is just that these moments of connection between us and within the family demonstrate to me that he is building his own feelings of security and self esteem. You can not underestimate the power of love.
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