Anxiety

Today, I thought I would post a review of a book that I found particularly helpful when my son became unwell with anxiety and the help from CAMHS seemed like hunting for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. I guess like most parents, if your child is unwell, you want to start accessing help straight away and lets be honest, appointments often mean that you have to almost sit on the problem sometimes for weeks until help is offered.

The book is called Coping with an Anxious or Depressed Child, by Sam Cartwright Hatton. There is a link to purchase it here:

https://www.anxietyuk.org.uk/products/children-and-anxiety/coping-with-an-anxious-or-depressed-child-by-dr-sam-cartwright-hatton/

The first 5 chapters of the book discuss signs, symptoms, causes and differences between normal adolescent behaviour and depression. The types of medication, counselling treatments for anxiety are also discussed and the whole tone of the book is greatly reassuring.What I particularly liked about it  was that it was written like a programme of care that would ordinarily be prescribed by psychologists. You could not progress on to the next chapter without implementing the previous chapter's recommendations.

Seven Confident Thoughts are described by the author as the building blocks of improved self esteem in children. At the time of reading I could easily see that my boy was not thinking any of these. His school was perceived by him to be terrifying, we were always shouting at him about his attendance and he was stating that the city in which we live was unsafe and full of crime. More importantly we were using strategies to get him into school that involved consequences and ignoring bad behaviour, which were the final step in the programme, he was barely achieving the first chapter, so no wonder nothing was working.

It made me realise that actually even before he was unwell enough to no longer cope with school, he was not really functioning at a confident level. His temper tantrums as a toddler were extremely difficult to manage and it was only when we noticed that we could get the girl to do as we asked that we realised he was different. His delay in co ordination was a reason for seeing the GP but to be honest, it was the tantrums that gave the most difficulty. The paediatricians that we all saw, advised the rewards/consequence system, these never worked and just exacerbated the situation. I came to realise that in the end, he just did not have any motivation left to meet the never ending list of day to day challenges that were presented to him. He did not feel good about himself, his lack of co ordination meant that he could not play football with his school mates, he had no control over the noisy hustle and bustle at school and at home, we were always nagging him to tidy his room, participate in sporty activities after a school day or rushing around like every other family. At some point, his confidence had disappeared into a hole and there was nothing left to give.

 I have  always been  wary about the reward chart/consequences systems, they can work but they need to be delivered in such a way that the child is able to feel that they can achieve what is being asked. I think with dyspraxic children this is particularly relevant, they are prone to suffer lower self esteem, so challenges  need to be bite sized and achievable if this system is going to work. The book gives some very good examples of "good" and "bad" consequences so that this step is managed sensitively and carefully.

So, we started on the first step.................and stayed there for a rather long time. The boy by then was suffering from depression, he was not doing much so it was a struggle to think of activities that I could praise him for or get him to do. I felt terrible when I realised this so I became very creative in my approach and gave him a task such as emptying the dishwasher or the bins so that I could tell him how wonderful it was to have him helping me. Bearing in mind there had been an awful lot of shouting and negativity in the house prior to removing him from school, our relationship needed to be rebuilt and the trust renewed. We had special time every evening, when I would massage his back. For a while he became very clingy, he loved to smell my perfume because it reminded him of me and he almost rejected his father. I will admit that I was worried but then thought about how bonds needed to be regenerated so for the first time in my life I was quiet and just reassuring. I doubt that the boy now can remember being like this which just goes to show how far he has progressed.

The boy's love of computing and all things I.T and our acceptance of this has been especially pivotal in boosting his self confidence. The book describes this as Pleasure and Mastery in that he is able to participate in something that he feels confident in. I think that the portrayal of computing and gaming is negatively portrayed by the media and I used to worry that it wasn't a good outdoorsy hobby such as football or scouts. However, the boy's gaming community are the most honest, politically aware, law abiding people I have yet to meet. They are entrepreneurial and he has learnt so much from them. It is because of them that my poor husband has to accompany him to various gaming festivals, We no longer treat the computer as a "dirty habit" and something that has to be denied. There is no expectation for him to play sport and win countless trophies. He is our IT expert, it is what he likes to do and at least I always know where he is!

The Seven Confident thoughts are now my guiding principles which influence how I raise my children and also those that I work with. Being able to see where we needed to start from was extremely helpful and I daresay that as a consequence of following this, I no longer worry about consequences for bad behaviour  because I guess he has no reason to misbehave anymore.

Me

When I first contemplated home educating the boy, my first fear was that I would be with him all day everyday without a break. I had enjoyed those beautiful moments when the front door slams and there is nobody else in  the house and time was available to be spent as I wished. Such bliss. Then I felt guilty for feeling this way.

 

I had researched home education and to me it seemed that the parents I had read about could cope with the every day noise, demands and chaos that children bring all day every day. I, on the other hand had insisted on just an hour or two every day where I could have a bit of time to myself just to think. This was easily achieved when they napped or went on to school and I had my days off from work. The new scenario I was considering was going to be hugely different. Even my friends told me that there was no way they would home educate their kids as they would end up going mad.

 

Step in Ross Moutney, https://rossmountney.wordpress.com/ whose book "A different kind of education" described how some days she too was just too overwhelmed and needed a break, it was OK to feel this way and perfectly normal too.

 

The beauty of home education meant that the school day is much shorter, thus I could incorporate that much needed time to exercise or sew without the worry that I SHOULD be schooling the boy.

 

The home education journey taught me a number of valuable lessons and we aren't just talking about the metal reactivity series here either.Ever since I had children I have battled long and hard with my inner sloth about HAVING TIME FOR ME. I would feel guilty for having it and grumpy if I didn't. Relatives and friends would all tell me that I needed to relax and have time for myself yet I did not know how to spend this time efficiently to help me feel relaxed. I was easily distracted by a dirty kitchen floor, pile of ironing or I would just pass out on the sofa and snooze due to shear exhaustion. Dr Laura Markham also describes this as the  Sacrificing yourself on the Alter of Parenthood disorder, where parents forget to give themselves the attention they need and so find themselves impatient and negative towards their children. I had this in an epidemic proportion and yes I did have a bit of a reputation as a shouter. It made me wonder whether the boy would want to spend all of his time with me too.

 

I tried numerous techniques to try and RELAX, something else that I was determined to become good at in my never ending quest to be the perfect mother. Meditating was one particular activity that would just drive me nuts because I would either fall asleep or if I tried to imagine being in a lovely place, I would then wonder what the weather was doing, where the children were and feel guilty that they were not in this lovely place with me!

 

There is a fantastic lady, Rosey#PNDandMe who recently held an hours session on Twitter looking at depression and self care and how vital it is that as parents we take the time to do activities that make us happy. We have to keep our petrol tanks full so to speak so that we have the energy to look after our children. This has made a lot of sense and it is widely recommended in all parenting courses and websites that for our children's wellbeing, ours matters too. I imagined my daughter as a mother, I would hate for her to shout at my future grandchildren so if I role modelled to her that I looked after myself then that would guide her as she grew up too. I also read somewhere that, rather than relying on technology, alcohol and TV, we have to go back to our childhoods and think about the activities that we liked to do as these are the ones that can give our minds the most fulfilment.

 

You may have already guessed, that as a child I was a bit of a bookworm, but I also liked to sew too. Counted cross stitch was a particularly soothing activity because I had to concentrate, thus my chattering monkey mind was kept quiet and my "petrol tank refuelled." Books have  also become very welcome friends again and it is a bit of a strap line in this house that "I will just finish this chapter" to avoid doing chores.

 

I have finally learnt to be kinder and more compassionate to myself, there are no more quests to be perfect, good enough is well good enough. The house may be dustier, dinners may be simpler, but the time I have found for me, has strangely increased my time to enjoy with the children and cuddle up with them as well as finding time to go to the gym regularly and voluntary work. The children have also welcomed time for them to do what they want without the structure and routines imposed on them. The girl is learning how to bake and the boy, well he is still attached to his computer but is doing very well in meeting his attendance at his school. Compassion is also about praising yourself when there is no time and you have a million other things to do. I will now often congratulate myself on a job well done, acknowledge to myself that some days are harder or  tell myself that I will be able to make it to the armchair soon for that much needed chapter. It is like being your very own best friend that encourages you along.

 

 A year after educating the boy, I was talking about the success of it all with a friend and she congratulated me but then commented on the strain that I must be under because I never had time for myself. I remembering looking at her strangely, much like the established home educating mothers looked at me when I first started. Maybe I should tell her that she needs to relax...............

 

Clairexxxxx