Anxiety

Today, I thought I would post a review of a book that I found particularly helpful when my son became unwell with anxiety and the help from CAMHS seemed like hunting for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. I guess like most parents, if your child is unwell, you want to start accessing help straight away and lets be honest, appointments often mean that you have to almost sit on the problem sometimes for weeks until help is offered.

The book is called Coping with an Anxious or Depressed Child, by Sam Cartwright Hatton. There is a link to purchase it here:

https://www.anxietyuk.org.uk/products/children-and-anxiety/coping-with-an-anxious-or-depressed-child-by-dr-sam-cartwright-hatton/

The first 5 chapters of the book discuss signs, symptoms, causes and differences between normal adolescent behaviour and depression. The types of medication, counselling treatments for anxiety are also discussed and the whole tone of the book is greatly reassuring.What I particularly liked about it  was that it was written like a programme of care that would ordinarily be prescribed by psychologists. You could not progress on to the next chapter without implementing the previous chapter's recommendations.

Seven Confident Thoughts are described by the author as the building blocks of improved self esteem in children. At the time of reading I could easily see that my boy was not thinking any of these. His school was perceived by him to be terrifying, we were always shouting at him about his attendance and he was stating that the city in which we live was unsafe and full of crime. More importantly we were using strategies to get him into school that involved consequences and ignoring bad behaviour, which were the final step in the programme, he was barely achieving the first chapter, so no wonder nothing was working.

It made me realise that actually even before he was unwell enough to no longer cope with school, he was not really functioning at a confident level. His temper tantrums as a toddler were extremely difficult to manage and it was only when we noticed that we could get the girl to do as we asked that we realised he was different. His delay in co ordination was a reason for seeing the GP but to be honest, it was the tantrums that gave the most difficulty. The paediatricians that we all saw, advised the rewards/consequence system, these never worked and just exacerbated the situation. I came to realise that in the end, he just did not have any motivation left to meet the never ending list of day to day challenges that were presented to him. He did not feel good about himself, his lack of co ordination meant that he could not play football with his school mates, he had no control over the noisy hustle and bustle at school and at home, we were always nagging him to tidy his room, participate in sporty activities after a school day or rushing around like every other family. At some point, his confidence had disappeared into a hole and there was nothing left to give.

 I have  always been  wary about the reward chart/consequences systems, they can work but they need to be delivered in such a way that the child is able to feel that they can achieve what is being asked. I think with dyspraxic children this is particularly relevant, they are prone to suffer lower self esteem, so challenges  need to be bite sized and achievable if this system is going to work. The book gives some very good examples of "good" and "bad" consequences so that this step is managed sensitively and carefully.

So, we started on the first step.................and stayed there for a rather long time. The boy by then was suffering from depression, he was not doing much so it was a struggle to think of activities that I could praise him for or get him to do. I felt terrible when I realised this so I became very creative in my approach and gave him a task such as emptying the dishwasher or the bins so that I could tell him how wonderful it was to have him helping me. Bearing in mind there had been an awful lot of shouting and negativity in the house prior to removing him from school, our relationship needed to be rebuilt and the trust renewed. We had special time every evening, when I would massage his back. For a while he became very clingy, he loved to smell my perfume because it reminded him of me and he almost rejected his father. I will admit that I was worried but then thought about how bonds needed to be regenerated so for the first time in my life I was quiet and just reassuring. I doubt that the boy now can remember being like this which just goes to show how far he has progressed.

The boy's love of computing and all things I.T and our acceptance of this has been especially pivotal in boosting his self confidence. The book describes this as Pleasure and Mastery in that he is able to participate in something that he feels confident in. I think that the portrayal of computing and gaming is negatively portrayed by the media and I used to worry that it wasn't a good outdoorsy hobby such as football or scouts. However, the boy's gaming community are the most honest, politically aware, law abiding people I have yet to meet. They are entrepreneurial and he has learnt so much from them. It is because of them that my poor husband has to accompany him to various gaming festivals, We no longer treat the computer as a "dirty habit" and something that has to be denied. There is no expectation for him to play sport and win countless trophies. He is our IT expert, it is what he likes to do and at least I always know where he is!

The Seven Confident thoughts are now my guiding principles which influence how I raise my children and also those that I work with. Being able to see where we needed to start from was extremely helpful and I daresay that as a consequence of following this, I no longer worry about consequences for bad behaviour  because I guess he has no reason to misbehave anymore.

Every school should have the Saint

Been away for a while on purpose because I wanted to see whether I would be reporting good or bad news in regards to the boy's transition to the unit. His hours were increased this term from two mornings to 16 hours over a few weeks. I am delighted to say that he has happily attended from 9am -1pm four days a week. Never thought I would say this.

To be able to hand him back over to the local authority and trust their expertise was something of a big ask where we were concerned. His key worker whom organised the EHC plan also recognised this and was full of reassurance. I will never forget that afternoon, leaning my head against the window as she convinced me over the phone that this unit was a good place. I was so scared, as previous posts will testify.

And she was right. To date the boy has started to reconsider further education, he has watched a year 10 boy do "work experience" at the IT department, to inform  me that actually the IT department come to the unit for "work experience", however he is looking forward to his turn at this. He has gone out on an outing with the other pupils, asked to borrow his grandfather's Tom Clancy book, he has even played rounders.

Every morning I have dreaded getting up wondering if  will he be making  that terrible noise as he refuses to go. I don't think I slept that well to begin with. We have had days when he will be quiet or rather apathetic, these are normally after a change in routine or a plan that he agreed to initially but then  feels he can not meet. Luckily the Saint and I have another option to offer that is more comfortable but keeps that attendance going. The educational psychologist when he assessed the boy wrote that it was better for him to attend a few hours every day rather than have long breaks because that then breaks the cycle of anxiety about attending. The Saint has told me repeatedly that his mental health is more important and neither she or us want him to stop attending regularly because he is being forced to do more than he can achieve. Such kind people.

He is studying English, Science, Maths and IT thus there is not much need for such long school days. The pupils also have social time if they wish. Some of the pupils such as the boy have a desk in a quieter room that is off from the main room and he will often spend his spare time watching documentaries which impresses the Saint no end. There is also an amazing fully equipped sensory chill out room which I think should be for the parents. Often if pupils are worried the Saint will take them in there to talk to them. Their school days start later and end before the rest of the school so that they do not have to cope with the hustle and bustle of school life. They are encouraged to attend mainstream lessons too with support but so far the boy feels unable to do this, again there is no pressure.

I often see the other pupils (all of them are boys) and it amazes me that they have all come from similar paths as ours. They smile, open the door for me and just seem so relaxed and comfortable. The boy gets on well with a couple of them, though quite clearly none have been invited over for tea as yet!

He comes home from school, cheeky, boisterous and keen to get some words in edgeways if only the girl will let him. I do not think this has ever happened in his school career before. The Saint and I often end our meetings stating  that every school in the country should have this facility, now if someone could just pass me my magic wand...........................

Clairexxxx