Anxiety

Today, I thought I would post a review of a book that I found particularly helpful when my son became unwell with anxiety and the help from CAMHS seemed like hunting for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. I guess like most parents, if your child is unwell, you want to start accessing help straight away and lets be honest, appointments often mean that you have to almost sit on the problem sometimes for weeks until help is offered.

The book is called Coping with an Anxious or Depressed Child, by Sam Cartwright Hatton. There is a link to purchase it here:

https://www.anxietyuk.org.uk/products/children-and-anxiety/coping-with-an-anxious-or-depressed-child-by-dr-sam-cartwright-hatton/

The first 5 chapters of the book discuss signs, symptoms, causes and differences between normal adolescent behaviour and depression. The types of medication, counselling treatments for anxiety are also discussed and the whole tone of the book is greatly reassuring.What I particularly liked about it  was that it was written like a programme of care that would ordinarily be prescribed by psychologists. You could not progress on to the next chapter without implementing the previous chapter's recommendations.

Seven Confident Thoughts are described by the author as the building blocks of improved self esteem in children. At the time of reading I could easily see that my boy was not thinking any of these. His school was perceived by him to be terrifying, we were always shouting at him about his attendance and he was stating that the city in which we live was unsafe and full of crime. More importantly we were using strategies to get him into school that involved consequences and ignoring bad behaviour, which were the final step in the programme, he was barely achieving the first chapter, so no wonder nothing was working.

It made me realise that actually even before he was unwell enough to no longer cope with school, he was not really functioning at a confident level. His temper tantrums as a toddler were extremely difficult to manage and it was only when we noticed that we could get the girl to do as we asked that we realised he was different. His delay in co ordination was a reason for seeing the GP but to be honest, it was the tantrums that gave the most difficulty. The paediatricians that we all saw, advised the rewards/consequence system, these never worked and just exacerbated the situation. I came to realise that in the end, he just did not have any motivation left to meet the never ending list of day to day challenges that were presented to him. He did not feel good about himself, his lack of co ordination meant that he could not play football with his school mates, he had no control over the noisy hustle and bustle at school and at home, we were always nagging him to tidy his room, participate in sporty activities after a school day or rushing around like every other family. At some point, his confidence had disappeared into a hole and there was nothing left to give.

 I have  always been  wary about the reward chart/consequences systems, they can work but they need to be delivered in such a way that the child is able to feel that they can achieve what is being asked. I think with dyspraxic children this is particularly relevant, they are prone to suffer lower self esteem, so challenges  need to be bite sized and achievable if this system is going to work. The book gives some very good examples of "good" and "bad" consequences so that this step is managed sensitively and carefully.

So, we started on the first step.................and stayed there for a rather long time. The boy by then was suffering from depression, he was not doing much so it was a struggle to think of activities that I could praise him for or get him to do. I felt terrible when I realised this so I became very creative in my approach and gave him a task such as emptying the dishwasher or the bins so that I could tell him how wonderful it was to have him helping me. Bearing in mind there had been an awful lot of shouting and negativity in the house prior to removing him from school, our relationship needed to be rebuilt and the trust renewed. We had special time every evening, when I would massage his back. For a while he became very clingy, he loved to smell my perfume because it reminded him of me and he almost rejected his father. I will admit that I was worried but then thought about how bonds needed to be regenerated so for the first time in my life I was quiet and just reassuring. I doubt that the boy now can remember being like this which just goes to show how far he has progressed.

The boy's love of computing and all things I.T and our acceptance of this has been especially pivotal in boosting his self confidence. The book describes this as Pleasure and Mastery in that he is able to participate in something that he feels confident in. I think that the portrayal of computing and gaming is negatively portrayed by the media and I used to worry that it wasn't a good outdoorsy hobby such as football or scouts. However, the boy's gaming community are the most honest, politically aware, law abiding people I have yet to meet. They are entrepreneurial and he has learnt so much from them. It is because of them that my poor husband has to accompany him to various gaming festivals, We no longer treat the computer as a "dirty habit" and something that has to be denied. There is no expectation for him to play sport and win countless trophies. He is our IT expert, it is what he likes to do and at least I always know where he is!

The Seven Confident thoughts are now my guiding principles which influence how I raise my children and also those that I work with. Being able to see where we needed to start from was extremely helpful and I daresay that as a consequence of following this, I no longer worry about consequences for bad behaviour  because I guess he has no reason to misbehave anymore.

A Brief Guide to Parenting a Child with Dyspraxia

As a local co ordinator for the Dyspraxia Foundation, I have recently had a few enquiries from parents whose children have been diagnosed with Dyspraxia who wish to know what to do next.

This has had me stumped for a few minutes as I rack my brains trying to remember what I did when the boy was diagnosed and I am sure that every child and family's situation is different so what I did may not hold much significance for the parent I am listening to. Our journey to diagnosis had been filled with a lot of personal  anxiety that somehow our parenting was to blame as the struggles to manage the boys meltdowns brought us to the doctor's door. Others arrive via school  due to co ordination difficulties. Occupational therapy or speech therapy as a result of the diagnosis may have been offered so there are opportunities to discuss the diagnosis and plan with health care practitioners a way forward. Yet the hows and whats about living with dyspraxia probably won't be discussed in appointments so what  then? 

 

Here are some ideas to get you started. Remember that initially you may need time to adjust and process what Dyspraxia will mean to you and your family. I remember feeling shell shocked when the boy was diagnosed with Aspergers, even though I suspected that he was on the spectrum, to have it actually confirmed was still a shock. The Dyspraxia diagnosis came as more of a relief that I was not going mad.

 

1. Read, read and read: as you know I always read around the subject and I do remember taking a pile of books out of the local library. Authors such as Amanda Kirby, Mary Colley are well renowned experts, Victoria Biggs is also a good read because she delivers a personal account of living with Dyspraxia, my husband who tends to leave the reading to me, found her book very helpful. I found the books particularly beneficial because after a few years of worrying that I was being paranoid and that my experiences were individual to me only, it was a huge comfort to find these described in the pages I was reading.

 

2. Build your circle of support; Hooray, we have a group in Hampshire now and our first meeting gave much neeeded opportunity to share experiences and relief that we are not as isolated as we thought. I have certainly felt alone at times, just longing for an understanding ear thats linked to an empathetic mouth rather than the usual "he'll grow out of it, you need to make him join a club, or play sport" reaction that I sometimes get. Find your local support group by contacting the Dyspraxia Foundation. That feeling of being believed, supported and never judged is indescribable.

 

Family and friends are invaluable too. However I have found that whilst I want to read and expand my knowledge about Dyspraxia,  my husband prefers to hear about it via seminars, articles on the radio and easier books. Other relatives, although they know that the boy is dyspraxic, prefer to treat him as they always have done and are just very understanding if he does not want to join in an activity. They feel that they do not need any further information.

 

Those that are not interested, sympathetic or do not believe that Dyspraxia exists, well refer to the above circle of support,  they are your allies.  Remember that Dyspraxia is not as well understood as other conditions and if there is little opportunity to inform, spare your precious energy. Sadly for some people, helping children in need basically relates to baking a few cupcakes and seling them once a year for the BBC organised event. My boy in particular challenges beliefs about school attendance whilst his obsession with  computer gaming is portrayed negatively by some of the tabloids thus we have been targets for supposed well meaning judgemental comments and we have had arguments with other people too. We are very selective about who is in our circle.

 

 

3. Identity the key areas where your child struggles and use resources from the Dyspraxia Foundation to help you and your child manage. Time and time again I have looked up how to help the boy when he reaches developmental milestones from riding a bike to starting secondary school. There is information for teachers too and you may find that you are teaching them (the teachers) to begin with if they have not had previous experience. This does feel very disheartening and worrying but communication about your child is paramount and will certainly help you feel more in control so that unnecessary incidents are avoided. If you are home educating, you are in the fortunate position to be able to totally adapt your child's education to support his needs. There are also some amazing sites that can support with this. The link below is for a facebook group that I relied upon a lot during our home education days. Don't forget that you could also apply for the EHC plan if you are home educating too so that you can receive support from the local authority. The group also is a good place to find out more about this

 

https://www.facebook.com/groups/332898013464344/?fref=ts

 

4. Look after yourself.  I can not say this enough. We have all heard that on a plane, parents need the oxygen masks on first before the child and I think this analogy is so relevant to staying strong and coping with a child that has dyspraxia. Again it all depends on the individual experience, but I have had great days and there are times when the boy has been so anxious it has taken all of my emotional energy to move him into doing something that I am left too frazzled to take part in the experience with him or continue with my day.  We went away recently and he was fretting because there would be no  internet. He had tummy upsets, he wanted to know exactly what was going to happen whilst we were away and even told me that he didn't want me sitting around reading my book because I could do that at home. He struggled with the concept that it was also a little holiday for me and I wanted to relax a bit. When we went for a walk, initially he didn't want to walk alongside his father and sister, he just wanted me, all of my attention was taken up listening to him chatting away. A day or so later and he had relaxed enough to be more independent and not so needy. We met up with relatives and they were so impressed with how well he was doing, which was great but inside I was absolutely exhausted and needed another holiday! The family dynamics and the emotional effort of parents is eloquently described by Gill Dixon in her book, Dyspraxia the Foundations. Again it is reassuring to know that I am not alone in how I feel. The boy is particularly sensitive to my moods so it is doubly  important that time is taken to indulge in exercise or my favourite hobbies so that I feel emotionally well equipped to care for him and his sister.

 

I hope that this has been helpful. There is a good supportive community out there and for those who are not affected by Dyspraxia a smile, nod and a hug works wonders if you meet anyone who is.

 

Clairexxxxx