This time three years ago, our lives were about to be turned upside down as the boy met his biggest challenge yet when he started secondary school.
This time two years ago, I felt an utter failure as a mother. Despite the fact that I had taken him out of school in an attempt to try and restore some normality back to our shattered lives, I just felt that I had got parenting all wrong and a huge sign stating failure was shining brightly above my head.
The boy was also diagnosed with Aspergers at the time and we eagerly accessed our local autism centre to find out more about how to support him and educate him. There was one particular book that had several experiences written by parents and it was reassuring to hear that we walking along the same path. However these tales had been written with a "happy ever after" at the end, they had managed to create some success for their children which made me feel even more frustrated as our story was just beginning and I could not visualise how it was ever going to end.
If you are reading this now at the start of your journey as a parent of a child with special needs, I embrace you and reach out to you in the chaos of your hopes and dreams raining down upon you, the normal rights of passage of parenthood disappearing into the horizon, the increasing isolation from your friends, community and society as a whole and that overwhelming distress that you feel as you say "this wasn't meant to happen!"
But it did and I guess it happened to those parents that I read about too.
So, in the aftermath we picked ourselves up, dusted ourselves down and started walking.
Every positive change I noticed and observed. If he engaged well with a lesson that I taught him, or started to go out with his father for an hour and leave me behind. These little signs of recovery were like treasured jewels that I would hold and gaze and add to my collection. The excitement I felt when he disappeared with the other children one day during a home education meet up and I was able to utter that longed for sentence "where's my son?" was a moment I will always cherish.
I never take these experiences for granted.
Nowadays, the jewels are much bigger and shinier, a teacher remarking how hard he is working, a day out with a friend that he has not seen for ages, him buying himself some lunch. Yet I still pick them up, gaze and acknowledge silently that things are going Ok at the moment. I don't want to add the happy ever after to our story at the moment, I am still tentatively stepping. My husband remarked that he very much doubted I would ever relax where our boy was concerned. He is probably right.
I guess the failure sign has gone now. In its place stands a mother who knows deep down that the increasing amount of jewels that she has in her basket is evidence that she is undoubtedly right about how to care for her child. She is not afraid to question the expectations that society places on our children and the need to somehow, at whatever cost to make them fit. Like so many other parents before me, I follow that path in the hope that for those that come behind me, a less difficult time awaits and that no one is ever made to feel a failure because their child is different.
xxxx
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Thursday, 24 September 2015
Wednesday, 8 July 2015
How to massage the older child/teenager
It dawned on me the other day that I have often written about the benefits of massage on the child but have not yet said how I do this. The whole concept of nurturing touch is embedded in us as parents, a gentle stroke of the brow or a loving sweep on the arm of our child can come quite naturally but for those of you who would like to know about this in depth, please stick around as this post is for you!
I was fortunate to be trained in infant massage by the IAIM http://www.iaim.org.uk/ as part of my role working within a Health Visiting team. This training really enlightened me to the sensitivities of parenting and how communication through touch can enhance the connection with your child. These days it is easy to access baby massage classes locally but what happens when the baby starts to crawl and it is all you can do to catch them still for long enough, or when the child becomes a teenager and to them you are the most embarrassing human in the world, how do we get that connection back again?
Vimala McClure, the founder of the IAIM states that before the age of 12, children learn more about their world through feeling as opposed to seeing or hearing information. When a child is praised there is an 85% chance that they will take this in and believe it, if it is accompanied by touch rather than just the spoken words. During massage, attention is solely focused on the child, which increases their self esteem and provides a safe environment for them to open up and talk about their worries.
I should also raise the point that not all children like being touched, especially if they, like the boy have sensory processing disorder. When he had occupational therapy involvement, we had to brush his limbs and back with a soft brush using firm strokes in order to desensitise him. He has never liked being cuddled or hugged, though he is starting to tolerate a very light embrace. The girl also finds massage tickly but she enjoyed the stories that I am about to explain later and she loves having her hair stroked.
So where to begin:
Firstly ensure that the environment is warm and comfortable. If your child is older or feels a bit awkward about having a massage then having the TV on in the background is acceptable to begin with. I have massaged the boy whilst we watched a particularly violent scene in a Tudor drama, the emphasis here is about establishing that connection and contact with the child, as they begin to feel safe you will find that they will prefer to be in a quiet room.
Also ensure that you are feeling relaxed. The last thing you want to convey to your child is your stress, a few deep breaths can help with this.
Remove all items of jewellery that can scratch.
Ask permission. So very important. Even babies can give permission to be touched through a smile once they know the sign for massage. This gives a sense of ownership of their bodies and as they grow older they will be able to feel confident about saying no if they do not want to be touched. This again enhances their feelings of security, self esteem and feeling that they are listened to. If the child becomes bored and indicates that they want to stop then it is important that this is respected too. Sadly due to the increased awareness and reports of sexual abuse there is a fear of touching our children once they go beyond their toddler years. Vimala McClure however argued that a massaged child would know the difference between a healthy touch and would have developed strong emotional bonds with the parent that is giving this. If they were to be talked to or touched by someone else in a way that concerned them they would be more likely to report it. As a health professional I would always demonstrate massage on a doll, never on someone else's baby because this would be very invasive. Massage is treated as a special time between parent and child, no one else is part of this.
You can massage through light clothing such as a T shirt if you prefer or by touching the child's skin. If you are massaging the skin, you may need some oil to reduce the friction. There is a HUGE debate within the infant massage community about which oils are safe to use and many supermarkets sell natural oils specifically for baby massage. In the past I have used baby oil, or almond oil with a few drops of essential oil added to make it smell nice and help the boy relax. Beware of nut oils if there is a nut allergy within the family. Olive oil should also be used with caution because it can damage the layers in the skin. Organic Sunflower oil could be used instead. If your child has eczema, their prescribed creams are a useful product to use.
The strokes that can be used depend on the part of the body that is being touched. Limbs are good for long sweeping movements. If the child is particularly hairy, you may find that just stokes moving down the limb are better to avoid it feeling irritating if you were to sweep up. Tummies are best massaged around the belly button in a clockwise motion.
With the back you can be quite creative with your massage. It is less intimidating for teenagers because they can not give you eye contact, but you can still convey that feeling of love for them.
With a pre-schooler or a junior child, the back can be stage for the most amazing stories. You can pretend it is a chopping board as you prepare ingredients for a pizza, using chopping motions to cut the vegetables, slicing for tomatoes and grating for cheese. Then the back becomes the pizza, with the sauce being spread and the toppings being sprinkled on. A warm oven cooks the pizza through as your hands are still warming the back and then we slice the pizza up. One particular favourite of the boys was Star Wars, we had spaceships landing on his back, spacemen walking and exploring the new land and explosions as the jedi fought. There is another idea here on this You Tube channel
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EVvZ6FcVsds
Throughout the massage, talk to your child about the strokes and check that they are not too tickly or firm. The boy used to open up and talk when he had his massage, which was a huge relief when he was depressed. It was a way for us to reconnect through the sad experiences that he had suffered and provided a strong base from which mutual trust could flourish again. Often massage is given before bedtime to help a child relax. This could also be useful for those children that are hyper-active, the firm pressure enabling them to de compress and relax. I always end the massage thanking the boy for letting me massage him, again increasing his feelings of security and respect.
I hope that this has been useful, it is a subject that I am hugely passionate about and a useful resource in my parenting tool box to keep that loving connection strong.
Clairexxx
I was fortunate to be trained in infant massage by the IAIM http://www.iaim.org.uk/ as part of my role working within a Health Visiting team. This training really enlightened me to the sensitivities of parenting and how communication through touch can enhance the connection with your child. These days it is easy to access baby massage classes locally but what happens when the baby starts to crawl and it is all you can do to catch them still for long enough, or when the child becomes a teenager and to them you are the most embarrassing human in the world, how do we get that connection back again?
Vimala McClure, the founder of the IAIM states that before the age of 12, children learn more about their world through feeling as opposed to seeing or hearing information. When a child is praised there is an 85% chance that they will take this in and believe it, if it is accompanied by touch rather than just the spoken words. During massage, attention is solely focused on the child, which increases their self esteem and provides a safe environment for them to open up and talk about their worries.
I should also raise the point that not all children like being touched, especially if they, like the boy have sensory processing disorder. When he had occupational therapy involvement, we had to brush his limbs and back with a soft brush using firm strokes in order to desensitise him. He has never liked being cuddled or hugged, though he is starting to tolerate a very light embrace. The girl also finds massage tickly but she enjoyed the stories that I am about to explain later and she loves having her hair stroked.
So where to begin:
Firstly ensure that the environment is warm and comfortable. If your child is older or feels a bit awkward about having a massage then having the TV on in the background is acceptable to begin with. I have massaged the boy whilst we watched a particularly violent scene in a Tudor drama, the emphasis here is about establishing that connection and contact with the child, as they begin to feel safe you will find that they will prefer to be in a quiet room.
Also ensure that you are feeling relaxed. The last thing you want to convey to your child is your stress, a few deep breaths can help with this.
Remove all items of jewellery that can scratch.
Ask permission. So very important. Even babies can give permission to be touched through a smile once they know the sign for massage. This gives a sense of ownership of their bodies and as they grow older they will be able to feel confident about saying no if they do not want to be touched. This again enhances their feelings of security, self esteem and feeling that they are listened to. If the child becomes bored and indicates that they want to stop then it is important that this is respected too. Sadly due to the increased awareness and reports of sexual abuse there is a fear of touching our children once they go beyond their toddler years. Vimala McClure however argued that a massaged child would know the difference between a healthy touch and would have developed strong emotional bonds with the parent that is giving this. If they were to be talked to or touched by someone else in a way that concerned them they would be more likely to report it. As a health professional I would always demonstrate massage on a doll, never on someone else's baby because this would be very invasive. Massage is treated as a special time between parent and child, no one else is part of this.
You can massage through light clothing such as a T shirt if you prefer or by touching the child's skin. If you are massaging the skin, you may need some oil to reduce the friction. There is a HUGE debate within the infant massage community about which oils are safe to use and many supermarkets sell natural oils specifically for baby massage. In the past I have used baby oil, or almond oil with a few drops of essential oil added to make it smell nice and help the boy relax. Beware of nut oils if there is a nut allergy within the family. Olive oil should also be used with caution because it can damage the layers in the skin. Organic Sunflower oil could be used instead. If your child has eczema, their prescribed creams are a useful product to use.
The strokes that can be used depend on the part of the body that is being touched. Limbs are good for long sweeping movements. If the child is particularly hairy, you may find that just stokes moving down the limb are better to avoid it feeling irritating if you were to sweep up. Tummies are best massaged around the belly button in a clockwise motion.
With the back you can be quite creative with your massage. It is less intimidating for teenagers because they can not give you eye contact, but you can still convey that feeling of love for them.
With a pre-schooler or a junior child, the back can be stage for the most amazing stories. You can pretend it is a chopping board as you prepare ingredients for a pizza, using chopping motions to cut the vegetables, slicing for tomatoes and grating for cheese. Then the back becomes the pizza, with the sauce being spread and the toppings being sprinkled on. A warm oven cooks the pizza through as your hands are still warming the back and then we slice the pizza up. One particular favourite of the boys was Star Wars, we had spaceships landing on his back, spacemen walking and exploring the new land and explosions as the jedi fought. There is another idea here on this You Tube channel
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EVvZ6FcVsds
Throughout the massage, talk to your child about the strokes and check that they are not too tickly or firm. The boy used to open up and talk when he had his massage, which was a huge relief when he was depressed. It was a way for us to reconnect through the sad experiences that he had suffered and provided a strong base from which mutual trust could flourish again. Often massage is given before bedtime to help a child relax. This could also be useful for those children that are hyper-active, the firm pressure enabling them to de compress and relax. I always end the massage thanking the boy for letting me massage him, again increasing his feelings of security and respect.
I hope that this has been useful, it is a subject that I am hugely passionate about and a useful resource in my parenting tool box to keep that loving connection strong.
Clairexxx
Sunday, 7 June 2015
Anxiety
Today, I thought I would post a review of a book that I found particularly helpful when my son became unwell with anxiety and the help from CAMHS seemed like hunting for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. I guess like most parents, if your child is unwell, you want to start accessing help straight away and lets be honest, appointments often mean that you have to almost sit on the problem sometimes for weeks until help is offered.
The book is called Coping with an Anxious or Depressed Child, by Sam Cartwright Hatton. There is a link to purchase it here:
https://www.anxietyuk.org.uk/products/children-and-anxiety/coping-with-an-anxious-or-depressed-child-by-dr-sam-cartwright-hatton/
The first 5 chapters of the book discuss signs, symptoms, causes and differences between normal adolescent behaviour and depression. The types of medication, counselling treatments for anxiety are also discussed and the whole tone of the book is greatly reassuring.What I particularly liked about it was that it was written like a programme of care that would ordinarily be prescribed by psychologists. You could not progress on to the next chapter without implementing the previous chapter's recommendations.
Seven Confident Thoughts are described by the author as the building blocks of improved self esteem in children. At the time of reading I could easily see that my boy was not thinking any of these. His school was perceived by him to be terrifying, we were always shouting at him about his attendance and he was stating that the city in which we live was unsafe and full of crime. More importantly we were using strategies to get him into school that involved consequences and ignoring bad behaviour, which were the final step in the programme, he was barely achieving the first chapter, so no wonder nothing was working.
It made me realise that actually even before he was unwell enough to no longer cope with school, he was not really functioning at a confident level. His temper tantrums as a toddler were extremely difficult to manage and it was only when we noticed that we could get the girl to do as we asked that we realised he was different. His delay in co ordination was a reason for seeing the GP but to be honest, it was the tantrums that gave the most difficulty. The paediatricians that we all saw, advised the rewards/consequence system, these never worked and just exacerbated the situation. I came to realise that in the end, he just did not have any motivation left to meet the never ending list of day to day challenges that were presented to him. He did not feel good about himself, his lack of co ordination meant that he could not play football with his school mates, he had no control over the noisy hustle and bustle at school and at home, we were always nagging him to tidy his room, participate in sporty activities after a school day or rushing around like every other family. At some point, his confidence had disappeared into a hole and there was nothing left to give.
I have always been wary about the reward chart/consequences systems, they can work but they need to be delivered in such a way that the child is able to feel that they can achieve what is being asked. I think with dyspraxic children this is particularly relevant, they are prone to suffer lower self esteem, so challenges need to be bite sized and achievable if this system is going to work. The book gives some very good examples of "good" and "bad" consequences so that this step is managed sensitively and carefully.
So, we started on the first step.................and stayed there for a rather long time. The boy by then was suffering from depression, he was not doing much so it was a struggle to think of activities that I could praise him for or get him to do. I felt terrible when I realised this so I became very creative in my approach and gave him a task such as emptying the dishwasher or the bins so that I could tell him how wonderful it was to have him helping me. Bearing in mind there had been an awful lot of shouting and negativity in the house prior to removing him from school, our relationship needed to be rebuilt and the trust renewed. We had special time every evening, when I would massage his back. For a while he became very clingy, he loved to smell my perfume because it reminded him of me and he almost rejected his father. I will admit that I was worried but then thought about how bonds needed to be regenerated so for the first time in my life I was quiet and just reassuring. I doubt that the boy now can remember being like this which just goes to show how far he has progressed.
The boy's love of computing and all things I.T and our acceptance of this has been especially pivotal in boosting his self confidence. The book describes this as Pleasure and Mastery in that he is able to participate in something that he feels confident in. I think that the portrayal of computing and gaming is negatively portrayed by the media and I used to worry that it wasn't a good outdoorsy hobby such as football or scouts. However, the boy's gaming community are the most honest, politically aware, law abiding people I have yet to meet. They are entrepreneurial and he has learnt so much from them. It is because of them that my poor husband has to accompany him to various gaming festivals, We no longer treat the computer as a "dirty habit" and something that has to be denied. There is no expectation for him to play sport and win countless trophies. He is our IT expert, it is what he likes to do and at least I always know where he is!
The Seven Confident thoughts are now my guiding principles which influence how I raise my children and also those that I work with. Being able to see where we needed to start from was extremely helpful and I daresay that as a consequence of following this, I no longer worry about consequences for bad behaviour because I guess he has no reason to misbehave anymore.
The book is called Coping with an Anxious or Depressed Child, by Sam Cartwright Hatton. There is a link to purchase it here:
https://www.anxietyuk.org.uk/products/children-and-anxiety/coping-with-an-anxious-or-depressed-child-by-dr-sam-cartwright-hatton/
The first 5 chapters of the book discuss signs, symptoms, causes and differences between normal adolescent behaviour and depression. The types of medication, counselling treatments for anxiety are also discussed and the whole tone of the book is greatly reassuring.What I particularly liked about it was that it was written like a programme of care that would ordinarily be prescribed by psychologists. You could not progress on to the next chapter without implementing the previous chapter's recommendations.
Seven Confident Thoughts are described by the author as the building blocks of improved self esteem in children. At the time of reading I could easily see that my boy was not thinking any of these. His school was perceived by him to be terrifying, we were always shouting at him about his attendance and he was stating that the city in which we live was unsafe and full of crime. More importantly we were using strategies to get him into school that involved consequences and ignoring bad behaviour, which were the final step in the programme, he was barely achieving the first chapter, so no wonder nothing was working.
It made me realise that actually even before he was unwell enough to no longer cope with school, he was not really functioning at a confident level. His temper tantrums as a toddler were extremely difficult to manage and it was only when we noticed that we could get the girl to do as we asked that we realised he was different. His delay in co ordination was a reason for seeing the GP but to be honest, it was the tantrums that gave the most difficulty. The paediatricians that we all saw, advised the rewards/consequence system, these never worked and just exacerbated the situation. I came to realise that in the end, he just did not have any motivation left to meet the never ending list of day to day challenges that were presented to him. He did not feel good about himself, his lack of co ordination meant that he could not play football with his school mates, he had no control over the noisy hustle and bustle at school and at home, we were always nagging him to tidy his room, participate in sporty activities after a school day or rushing around like every other family. At some point, his confidence had disappeared into a hole and there was nothing left to give.
I have always been wary about the reward chart/consequences systems, they can work but they need to be delivered in such a way that the child is able to feel that they can achieve what is being asked. I think with dyspraxic children this is particularly relevant, they are prone to suffer lower self esteem, so challenges need to be bite sized and achievable if this system is going to work. The book gives some very good examples of "good" and "bad" consequences so that this step is managed sensitively and carefully.
So, we started on the first step.................and stayed there for a rather long time. The boy by then was suffering from depression, he was not doing much so it was a struggle to think of activities that I could praise him for or get him to do. I felt terrible when I realised this so I became very creative in my approach and gave him a task such as emptying the dishwasher or the bins so that I could tell him how wonderful it was to have him helping me. Bearing in mind there had been an awful lot of shouting and negativity in the house prior to removing him from school, our relationship needed to be rebuilt and the trust renewed. We had special time every evening, when I would massage his back. For a while he became very clingy, he loved to smell my perfume because it reminded him of me and he almost rejected his father. I will admit that I was worried but then thought about how bonds needed to be regenerated so for the first time in my life I was quiet and just reassuring. I doubt that the boy now can remember being like this which just goes to show how far he has progressed.
The boy's love of computing and all things I.T and our acceptance of this has been especially pivotal in boosting his self confidence. The book describes this as Pleasure and Mastery in that he is able to participate in something that he feels confident in. I think that the portrayal of computing and gaming is negatively portrayed by the media and I used to worry that it wasn't a good outdoorsy hobby such as football or scouts. However, the boy's gaming community are the most honest, politically aware, law abiding people I have yet to meet. They are entrepreneurial and he has learnt so much from them. It is because of them that my poor husband has to accompany him to various gaming festivals, We no longer treat the computer as a "dirty habit" and something that has to be denied. There is no expectation for him to play sport and win countless trophies. He is our IT expert, it is what he likes to do and at least I always know where he is!
The Seven Confident thoughts are now my guiding principles which influence how I raise my children and also those that I work with. Being able to see where we needed to start from was extremely helpful and I daresay that as a consequence of following this, I no longer worry about consequences for bad behaviour because I guess he has no reason to misbehave anymore.
Thursday, 30 April 2015
Me
When I first contemplated home educating the boy, my first fear was that I would be with him all day everyday without a break. I had enjoyed those beautiful moments when the front door slams and there is nobody else in the house and time was available to be spent as I wished. Such bliss. Then I felt guilty for feeling this way.
I had researched home education and to me it seemed that the parents I had read about could cope with the every day noise, demands and chaos that children bring all day every day. I, on the other hand had insisted on just an hour or two every day where I could have a bit of time to myself just to think. This was easily achieved when they napped or went on to school and I had my days off from work. The new scenario I was considering was going to be hugely different. Even my friends told me that there was no way they would home educate their kids as they would end up going mad.
Step in Ross Moutney, https://rossmountney.wordpress.com/ whose book "A different kind of education" described how some days she too was just too overwhelmed and needed a break, it was OK to feel this way and perfectly normal too.
The beauty of home education meant that the school day is much shorter, thus I could incorporate that much needed time to exercise or sew without the worry that I SHOULD be schooling the boy.
The home education journey taught me a number of valuable lessons and we aren't just talking about the metal reactivity series here either.Ever since I had children I have battled long and hard with my inner sloth about HAVING TIME FOR ME. I would feel guilty for having it and grumpy if I didn't. Relatives and friends would all tell me that I needed to relax and have time for myself yet I did not know how to spend this time efficiently to help me feel relaxed. I was easily distracted by a dirty kitchen floor, pile of ironing or I would just pass out on the sofa and snooze due to shear exhaustion. Dr Laura Markham also describes this as the Sacrificing yourself on the Alter of Parenthood disorder, where parents forget to give themselves the attention they need and so find themselves impatient and negative towards their children. I had this in an epidemic proportion and yes I did have a bit of a reputation as a shouter. It made me wonder whether the boy would want to spend all of his time with me too.
I tried numerous techniques to try and RELAX, something else that I was determined to become good at in my never ending quest to be the perfect mother. Meditating was one particular activity that would just drive me nuts because I would either fall asleep or if I tried to imagine being in a lovely place, I would then wonder what the weather was doing, where the children were and feel guilty that they were not in this lovely place with me!
There is a fantastic lady, Rosey#PNDandMe who recently held an hours session on Twitter looking at depression and self care and how vital it is that as parents we take the time to do activities that make us happy. We have to keep our petrol tanks full so to speak so that we have the energy to look after our children. This has made a lot of sense and it is widely recommended in all parenting courses and websites that for our children's wellbeing, ours matters too. I imagined my daughter as a mother, I would hate for her to shout at my future grandchildren so if I role modelled to her that I looked after myself then that would guide her as she grew up too. I also read somewhere that, rather than relying on technology, alcohol and TV, we have to go back to our childhoods and think about the activities that we liked to do as these are the ones that can give our minds the most fulfilment.
You may have already guessed, that as a child I was a bit of a bookworm, but I also liked to sew too. Counted cross stitch was a particularly soothing activity because I had to concentrate, thus my chattering monkey mind was kept quiet and my "petrol tank refuelled." Books have also become very welcome friends again and it is a bit of a strap line in this house that "I will just finish this chapter" to avoid doing chores.
I have finally learnt to be kinder and more compassionate to myself, there are no more quests to be perfect, good enough is well good enough. The house may be dustier, dinners may be simpler, but the time I have found for me, has strangely increased my time to enjoy with the children and cuddle up with them as well as finding time to go to the gym regularly and voluntary work. The children have also welcomed time for them to do what they want without the structure and routines imposed on them. The girl is learning how to bake and the boy, well he is still attached to his computer but is doing very well in meeting his attendance at his school. Compassion is also about praising yourself when there is no time and you have a million other things to do. I will now often congratulate myself on a job well done, acknowledge to myself that some days are harder or tell myself that I will be able to make it to the armchair soon for that much needed chapter. It is like being your very own best friend that encourages you along.
A year after educating the boy, I was talking about the success of it all with a friend and she congratulated me but then commented on the strain that I must be under because I never had time for myself. I remembering looking at her strangely, much like the established home educating mothers looked at me when I first started. Maybe I should tell her that she needs to relax...............
Clairexxxxx
Monday, 23 March 2015
Tiny Sparks
Received the dreaded phone call last week, from the Saint who stated that I need to go and meet with her this week to discuss increasing the boy's attendance. Oh how my lovely little bubble of feeling all was well was popped. Of course he needs to increase it, he can not get very far in life on two mornings a week, but I wonder what their goals are?
I am sure that I will be told that there are other children that qualify for his space within the unit and that could attend full time. I am also sure that I will be told that he is a very clever lad who needs the lessons so that he can achieve their recommended number of GCSES. Maybe I could play some type of Bingo in the meeting whereby I tick off the above sentences when they are spoken to me.
Time marches on far too quickly for the boy. In two years time we will be looking at colleges for him to attend once he has finished his GCSEs. He is adamant that he does not want to spend any longer in education than necessary, unfortunately for him and us it looks as if the battles of trying to get him motivated and engaged aren't over yet. Year 7 was so awful in terms of him becoming unwell that I feel we lost a year. It then took another year to help him recover sufficiently to get him into the unit but his health has then fluctuated due to the stress of starting somewhere new, coping with the noises and other students in his class. His sleep is all over the place, because we changed the medication to bedtime so that his nerves were better under control when he woke up. He has only just started again to suggest activities that he wants to do when he is not at school, so he is no longer totally wiped out by attending those two mornings. It is a bit of a roller coaster where his energy is concerned. I feel as if I am playing catch up all of the time.
The boy has hated school all his life and as a consequence the misery of getting him in has not made our life a bed of roses either. The thought of having to go through the battles again to get him in just fill me with dread. Life was so easy when I home educated him and yes I can hear you ask why don't I do it again? Can I tell you that I have already noted the picture of the "alternative " provision leader at the school which he attends? She looks really nice. I do not feel so scared if we have to go down that route. I have heard that resources such as "blended learning" exist whereby work and materials are sent from the school. This is my Plan B, locked in a dark chest somewhere in the back of my mind just waiting for me should I need it. I have negotiated my way through harsh educational bureaucracy up until now and I am no longer afraid of being creative in order to ensure that he is educated but most importantly kept well emotionally.
Plan A, well currently the boy will also meet with the Saint and say what he feels he can do and then build from there. He had already muttered to me about increasing his hours before the phone call as he likes it there and feels comfortable. There is a small chance that this could work. I have found that if I keep quiet and not talk too much about school and my own expectations of him, he will initiate meeting his goals himself. There needs to be no talk of rewards, no lectures about the rest of his life, just an acknowledging nod and a smile so that his tiny tiny spark is not extinguished by over enthusiasm. I just hope like mad that this is enough. My patience is certainly being tested!
Now for a corny moment, hope you guys don't mind, it is something that I have been longing to do for ages on this blog so here goes:
My sister and I during a rather dark 2013 started to send each other songs of the week to help us make sense of the craziness that was at times suffocating us. The songs could motivate us, put our feelings into words or cope with strong emotions.
Hence my song this week is "Dancing in the Dark" by Bruce Springsteen. My gym instructor has been having the class dance to this for the last three weeks and it is a song very close to my heart. Not so much in a starting a relationship perspective but it just takes a small action to start a change. I do not know where my actions will lead, but I am willing to try rather than wait for it to happen to me. So far this has proved rather exciting and not at all the disaster that I had anticipated!
Enjoy, Clairexxxx
I am sure that I will be told that there are other children that qualify for his space within the unit and that could attend full time. I am also sure that I will be told that he is a very clever lad who needs the lessons so that he can achieve their recommended number of GCSES. Maybe I could play some type of Bingo in the meeting whereby I tick off the above sentences when they are spoken to me.
Time marches on far too quickly for the boy. In two years time we will be looking at colleges for him to attend once he has finished his GCSEs. He is adamant that he does not want to spend any longer in education than necessary, unfortunately for him and us it looks as if the battles of trying to get him motivated and engaged aren't over yet. Year 7 was so awful in terms of him becoming unwell that I feel we lost a year. It then took another year to help him recover sufficiently to get him into the unit but his health has then fluctuated due to the stress of starting somewhere new, coping with the noises and other students in his class. His sleep is all over the place, because we changed the medication to bedtime so that his nerves were better under control when he woke up. He has only just started again to suggest activities that he wants to do when he is not at school, so he is no longer totally wiped out by attending those two mornings. It is a bit of a roller coaster where his energy is concerned. I feel as if I am playing catch up all of the time.
The boy has hated school all his life and as a consequence the misery of getting him in has not made our life a bed of roses either. The thought of having to go through the battles again to get him in just fill me with dread. Life was so easy when I home educated him and yes I can hear you ask why don't I do it again? Can I tell you that I have already noted the picture of the "alternative " provision leader at the school which he attends? She looks really nice. I do not feel so scared if we have to go down that route. I have heard that resources such as "blended learning" exist whereby work and materials are sent from the school. This is my Plan B, locked in a dark chest somewhere in the back of my mind just waiting for me should I need it. I have negotiated my way through harsh educational bureaucracy up until now and I am no longer afraid of being creative in order to ensure that he is educated but most importantly kept well emotionally.
Plan A, well currently the boy will also meet with the Saint and say what he feels he can do and then build from there. He had already muttered to me about increasing his hours before the phone call as he likes it there and feels comfortable. There is a small chance that this could work. I have found that if I keep quiet and not talk too much about school and my own expectations of him, he will initiate meeting his goals himself. There needs to be no talk of rewards, no lectures about the rest of his life, just an acknowledging nod and a smile so that his tiny tiny spark is not extinguished by over enthusiasm. I just hope like mad that this is enough. My patience is certainly being tested!
Now for a corny moment, hope you guys don't mind, it is something that I have been longing to do for ages on this blog so here goes:
My sister and I during a rather dark 2013 started to send each other songs of the week to help us make sense of the craziness that was at times suffocating us. The songs could motivate us, put our feelings into words or cope with strong emotions.
Hence my song this week is "Dancing in the Dark" by Bruce Springsteen. My gym instructor has been having the class dance to this for the last three weeks and it is a song very close to my heart. Not so much in a starting a relationship perspective but it just takes a small action to start a change. I do not know where my actions will lead, but I am willing to try rather than wait for it to happen to me. So far this has proved rather exciting and not at all the disaster that I had anticipated!
Enjoy, Clairexxxx
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