So to carry on from my last post, the boy went into school. For two mornings. This morning I rocked on up to his room and he told me that he wasn't going in.
Despite having a good day yesterday and telling me that he liked the unit because he could get his work done, this morning he wanted to return to home school.
Except there is no return to home school. I have given away the books, signed him off his courses and all my hopes are pinned on this unit. I want it to work so very desperately. For those two mornings, I relished the school run and seeing other teenagers in their uniforms, knowing that I had one too.
I responded by not shouting at him like I used to, but I took away his computer, ranting about how disappointed I was and it was only 3 hours. As I tended to my chickens I moaned to them, why me? How the heck can I inform new parents about bringing up their kids when my boy won't go to school? Some role model I am!
Plus , I had just given a whole 15 months to resurrecting him from the depths of his darkest despair to have it all wiped away within two days. My boy felt valued by his family, he felt loved and listened to, he was starting to enjoy life again, how could we go back to the tantrums, the shouting and my resentment that I had to devote so much energy to him and leave nothing for my girl. It just wasn't fair. But he is my boy at the end of the day, I have to look after him, I am his mother and I have to do what is right by him, me and my family. The whole point of returning to school was so I could have help in educating him with the specialist support from the unit. So I phoned up the unit and told them.
Oh my word, I have now come to think of the unit as an oasis in a desert. Tired, battle worn parents arrive at this place to be gently lifted and soothed as they are reassured that they will be listened to. I am now going to refer to the boys teaching assistant as The Saint, because this lady knows her stuff and she is just so KIND! She half expected the boy to have a wobbly day, he was working so hard emotionally and physically by attending, no wonder he was tired. She wanted him to have a day of rest today and to try again tomorrow. He could have his computer, we weren't to expect too much from him and due to the fact that he was no longer by my side in the unit, she said she recognised that they had taken his security blanket away. The Saint totally gets the boy. According to her, these children have had a long time of not being listened to. I guess with a late diagnosis of Aspergers that the boy had aged 12, it is a long time. I certainly felt like I was reading the wrong parenting manual where he was concerned. No wonder the Super Nanny tactics never worked!
But even with all of this support and diagnoses, why do I feel as if I am a bad parent if he does not attend school? It's totally crazy. When I home educated I had none of these insecurities except that I was not working so didn't meet society's expectations of me there. Now I am not meeting the education authorities expectations. I guess its a case of the fact that by recognising that I am a bit of a people pleaser and the ensuing anxiety that develops if I am not performing as I should be is going to be my biggest demon to beat in all of this. I have not slept all week. Every morning I feel sick with nerves until he is in that school. This is the first week, goodness only knows how long it will be before he settles in.
I am forever telling my families to be kind to themselves during troublesome times, to be empathetic towards the child, try and see it from their point of view. I have had a psychiatrist and the head of special needs telling me that the boy was very unwell yet I admit that sometimes I find it difficult to cope when he refuses to do what is asked of him.
The Saint practises her approach with kindness and compassion. She recognises that the boy and myself are going through an incredibly intense time as we embark on this change. The boy clearly demonstrates that this works best for him. So I need to take a very blinkered approach to life at the moment and accept that being a "good parent" is not about my child's school attendance. It is about listening and responding to his needs so that he will feel more confident in the future. I also need to listen to myself and pile on the loving kindness so that I have the energy to keep being strong for him. I think we have a rocky road ahead of us, but if I start taking the advice that I so eagerly give to my families maybe our path will be a lot smoother.
xxxxxx
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