Hello everybody and welcome to 2015!
Bit of a sad post today, unfortunately events such as the death of a loved one never happen at an appropriate time and we at the quirky house suffered two significant losses over the festive period. I am aware that I have not written a post for quite some time and to be honest as a result of the sad events, I do feel a little less motivated. At this time of year, quite naturally, there are several sites discussing new years resolutions and looking forward, so for those whose Christmas did not bring the joy that is expected, I embrace you and invite you to sit with me awhile. Thus because this is also a parenting blog, I thought I would concentrate today on helping children cope with the death of a loved one, as until recently, I had no idea as to what to do until the time arrived.
So, just before Christmas, my grandfather passed away. It was the same day to a year that his wife, my darling grandmother also died so we found ourselves in similar circumstances for a second Christmas running. Both children were very close to my grandparents. They had spent many a happy time visiting the flat in which they lived. The girl and my grandfather would be in hysterics as they both could not hear very well and would just spend the time shouting "What?" at each other. The boy worshipped him as a celebrated Naval hero and had planned to take him to the submarine museum in the hope of my Grandfather sharing some exciting stories with him.
When the news came that my Grandfather had passed away, I initially had my own feelings of shock and sadness well up before I could even begin to communicate it to anyone else. My children are very perceptive of my moods, so I knew that it would not be long until they would sense that all was not right with the world. I decided to tell each child individually because I knew that the response would be different and I wanted to ensure that I was there for them.
Death is not something that is ordinarily discussed in day to day life especially with children as we want to protect them from sadness and fear of our own mortality. The girl has found this particularly hard as she has seen her rabbit die and learnt that this eventually happens to us all. We have always been honest about it with them, using terms such as they stopped breathing, the body doesn't work anymore rather than they fell asleep. The parenting website Netmums has some excellent resources about helping children cope and they suggest that by observing that flowers wilting and dying in a vase, a young child can begin to understand the cycle of life. The National Autistic Society also advocates this for children with Autism http://www.autism.org.uk/living-with-autism/at-home/death-bereavement-and-autism-spectrum-disorders.aspx. The boy especially preferred the natural science behind death in that the body stops working whilst the girl is more visual and understands it if she sees a dead flower or pet.
The circumstances that surround the loved one passing away can affect the grieving process. If they have a terminal illness, the child can be perhaps be prepared, again by letting them ask the questions that they feel are most important and answering them honestly. It is also Ok to cry in front of them, you too are sad and explaining why you are sad will ensure that they do not feel that they are to blame.
As expected, both children reacted very differently. The boy was very calm which I had anticipated because his emotions always manifest in his behaviour later. This is common in children who are on the autistic spectrum. I kept to his routines and informed him of what would be happening so that he knew what to expect. This is especially important because we are a very expressive household and I didn't want him surprised by mentions of funerals, other people's grief, or me bursting into tears. There is also the change in routine as you support other members of the family to consider. When my grandmother passed away a year ago, my grandfather required a lot of help, so supporting him and my father shifted our familial patterns for a few months afterwards. When my other grandmother died 10 years ago, I was not aware of the boy's difficulties, so threw myself into helping my mother. My friend who looked after him whilst we attended the funeral said that she had never seen him so unsettled. Again it is extremely difficult when you just want to curl up and cry to expend more energy on caring for a child. I guess the strength to go on comes from somewhere, it is never easy. I wholeheartedly recommend that more compassion towards oneself and having that curl up time is absolutely necessary during times like these. He did not want to attend the funeral because he said he wanted to remember Grandpa sitting in his chair asleep with his headphones on rather than seeing a coffin. Bearing in mind that I have a large family and it would mean seeing other people, which he finds difficult at the best of times, I didn't push this.
The girl sobbed her little heart out. We lay on my bed and I held her as she cried. She went into school the following day, I thought that she was alright so didn't pre warn the teacher, but she started to sob again and was given time with the emotional support assistants that they have there. We aren't a religious household but the girl has found that it has helped her to think that Grandpa is looking down on us and when she went to a Christmas service with her school, she said a quick hello whilst waiting in the church.
I felt that the girl was old enough to attend the funeral with us. She was initially reluctant due to her worries about seeing people crying and the ghoulish scenarios surrounding death that children like to talk about. I told her everything that would happen, the procession into the church, where she would sit, what would be said and how we would leave the coffin there. I dispelled her myths about coffins and reassured her that she would be surrounded by people that love her and would comfort her and that it was Ok to cry. She had a lot of questions about the crematorium which is a difficult concept to explain especially when you are grieving, but my husband was calm and honest with her and she was fine. It helped enormously that another similar age cousin was there as well, so they sat with each other and gave each other support.
Then the cat died.
He was run over by a car. Thankfully a kind lady took him to the emergency vet and because he was micro chipped we were informed about what had happened to him. So again, we told the children individually what had happened. He was a much loved pet, especially by my son, and even though he was a cat, it was a significant loss to the family. Thus we are talking a lot about what we are feeling at the moment. My son missed him today sitting on his school work and we are finding it strange that we can leave food out on the work surfaces.
Again, Netmums has advice on how to help with the loss of a pet. Euthanasia is discussed too, and the opinion seems to be that it is best to leave the children out of the room until the pet has been put to sleep and then they can see it at peace. They also write that children react in different ways and it is best not to force the subject onto them if they are not ready. The girl prefers the dog, and she stated that she did not feel too sad. She has been really mature towards me though and protects me from seeing cat food in the shops, which is sweet.
The boy is keen that we have a memorial for him, but like myself, he didn't want to bury his body or have his ashes brought home. He did not want that to be his last visual memory of him. Our memorial will be a large catmint bush in his favourite sunny spot with a little plaque. I expect that the girl will write a poem for him and we will say our goodbyes that way.
There is a wealth of resources out there to help through these very difficult times. Netmums is especially brilliant because it also discusses bereavements such as that of a parent or a sibling which are particularly difficult. There are also charities such as Winston's Wish which have a range of books that can be shared with the child and have trained counsellors to contact.
So it is a little subdued in our house at the moment. I am sure that as time passes, we will adjust to the new routines, but for the moment we are being extra kind to each other. Love as ever will get us through.
I hope that you all have a peaceful 2015.
Clairexx
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