Tonight I write wondering how life will be from tomorrow. Its a big day in the Quirky house as we leave the safe, comfortable routines of home educating and venture back into a school classroom.
Not just any old classroom mind you, it is a specialist provision for autistic children within a secondary school. The boy is the 9th pupil there, the rest are also boys ranging from years 7-10. The ethos is that they access some lessons with their other school peers whilst being supported by specialist teaching staff and having time also to focus on social and interaction skills. The unit is fairly new, they have thought about the challenges that these children face and ways of overcoming them. For example the pupils arrive later and leave earlier to miss the crowds, the homework is completed within the school day in the unit so that their time at home remains interruption free. Even the colour scheme is muted and there is a sensory room for the pupils to use to de sensitise or just have their lunch in.
When we visited a few days ago, we felt that this had been built with the boy in mind. We were already relieved because he had come with us to see it and proceeded to talk to the head and assistant that showed us the unit. He relaxed and commented on how lovely it was. The specialist assistant was just fabulous with him, she didn't patronise him and gained his trust immediately.
The head then asked if the boy could start full time this week. We had been led to believe that there was meant to be a meeting about integrating him very gradually and I queried this too. We also felt that putting the inevitable off wasn't going to gain us anything and that this time round, it could only work in our favour. The boy balked at this however, to the surprise of the teachers,
And there it is, the age old issue of control rearing its unwanted head yet again. The head asked why the boy felt he couldn't start full time and so I for the first time ever stated that there was a control over his time anxiety that stopped a lot of plans from going ahead. The boy agreed with what I said and the specialist assistant totally agreed that this is normal for autism. So we settled on 3 hours a day and building up from there.
All weekend we have watched the boy for any signs that tomorrow s first session will happen or not. I doubt I will sleep tonight. I have already been accused of nagging him as I sang the sun will come out tomorrow from Annie, innocently after hearing it on the girl's ipod. That was a bit of a bad choice I admit!
We have been down this path so many times before, all hopes raised to have him slamming on the brakes that very moment we reach the party, get to the school gate or wake him up on that fateful day. I have been very conscientious, ensuring that forms and his bag are packed quietly(previous experience of involving him was not pleasent). I told him casually at lunch time what time we would be leaving and reminded him that he will earn a bit extra pocket money this week as a reward. I have thought back to all of the previous advice I have been given, trying to remain nonchalant but inside just feeling obsessed with worry.
If he makes it, well dreams of returning to being a mother whose child attends school and who can therefore work will be achieved. I will be back in Italy so to speak.
If not, well disappointment and fear of what happens next will just raise up and maintain their usual position in my life. The specialist assistant did say as we left that he could leave earlier if he needed to so I can offer him that life line if I am facing refusal tomorrow. I guess I will have to take what he gives and work from there, plus this time round we have help from professionals so hopefully my Italian dream will be achieved in the distant future.
It is so hard not being in control of my life. I always worry about being judged that I can't get him to do the simple act of going to school. Home education has been great, but I am not that way inclined and I need to know that he can separate from me to build his own life. Oh if I could only gaze into 24 hours from now and see the other side!
I will keep you posted. Xxxx
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